Yesterday we tripped. This is not a trip report, we’re not sure the trip was notable enough on its own to write up a full report. We weren’t on any specific quest, or working on any problem. Just trying to shed our armor and reconnect with our life again. And yet, we ran directly into The Joy Formidable, and spent the entire night meditating on this thought.
What she does
Aunty was there, sitting for us. She stayed with us the whole day. She prepared the room. She bought the tapestries. She hung them. She bought the cocunut waters, the fruit juices. She went out to get us our favorite lunch, and breakfast for the next day. She wore her monarch dress the night before to help us set a mindset of love for the experience.
As we lay on the bed that day, and the chemical soaked through us, these were the thoughts in our mind. Every moment was a gift from her. Every song she chose for us was a cosmic experience handed down by our fairy goddess. When Kali Uchis dripped Melting on our bodies, it was Aunty standing over us. We were in her church, worshipping at her feet.
Who she is
This is who Aunty is, this is who she really is. We can always see it when we look at her. The way the lines at the edge of her eyes flow into the short pixie hairs around her ears. The way the dark roots of her hair brighten to firey blond at the tips. We see these things, her majestic beauty, but we see so much more.
We see every experience we’ve had together. From those first moments we met, when we turned that corner and saw her sitting there, glowing like the brightest light in the universe. Those easy early years, exploring the world together. Raving every weekend, dancing our nights away. Liquifying into that couch the first time we candy flipped.
The day we were married, although the only memories we really have of this are her radiating light in the outdoor walkway behind the cathedral. Or when we delicately fed her ice from a cup to help her re-hydrate after the birth of our child.
We see those things. We also see the hard times we’ve endured, the pain we directly caused her over the years. We see this too, the memory of it destroys us, rips us apart inside, makes us hate ourselves. We forgot who we were, we forgot who she was, we forgot ourselves. When Puggy plays and we cry in her arms, it is this we’re thinking of. We will never forget these things, the memory of them pushes us to try harder, to be better, to be someone deserving of the love that she is.
We see her creative skill and energy. Our walls are covered in her artwork and each piece is another experience she’s given us, another part of her she has shared. Her ability to find music that will bring us closer together, or take us on an interdemensional journey, is another treasure she shares. Her scripts make us laugh, help us cry, show us the true nature of the universe. We feel terrible that the world has not yet had a chance to experience these things, but we know that time will come.
We see the future too, it has all happened already. We see a dream of sitting outside the forest home we built together, laying on the ground gazing up into space. We’ve grown old, yet we are more together than we’ve ever been. As we lay there and the universe dances above us to the tune of The Turnaround by The Joy Formidable, maybe for the last time — we turn and look at her. We have lived the best life because of her. We even touched a deer.
As we write this down, these emotions and thoughts flow freely. We know the chemicals are helping it, making us feel things more deeply then our armor normally allows, even now many hours from the experience. And yet… that was the point. That is why we did it, to remember her. To remember what we need to keep in our mind at all times. We don’t write this for her, she knows all this, and yet we must write it to reinforce the idea in our own mind.
Love.
Happiness.
A Life Lived as One.
The Joy Formidable
This is what we want for us, this is what we want for you. When Bill gets to the end of all things, we want to be there. We want to be the last star shining in the sky next to you. When even that ends, and all the stars have gone out, we will remember and wake up in a burst of cosmic fire to recreate it all so we can experience it again.
We love you Aunty. You know this and still we will say it. Again and again we will say it. Until the end of time we will say this to you and to the universe.
And yet these words feel empty to us, hollow, they are nothing next to the intense joy you have shown us. The Joy Formidable, we understand this now. Life with you is Joy, but it is Formidable. Meeting the challenge of being worthy of your love is our life long work.
I love you.
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